M.D. - my last shot at life.

2008-11-28T19:42:00.002+08:00

Saw Twilight yesterday. I thought it was pretty fast-paced compared to the book. I liked it just the same. :)

Next week will be our shifting exams week and every shifting, we have to get a student advising form signed by our respective advisers so that we can get our test permit. Unfortunately, because of all the stress that I've been under lately, it slipped my mind. My adviser only shows up at OMMC every Tuesday but today is FRIDAY. I had to improvise. I had to get an unfilled form and then find an adviser who's willing to sign for my real adviser.

Luckily, the college sec was in the CM office and was willing to sign. She's the same person I went to for advice regarding my clerkship, etc. so she knows my story and she was waiting to hear updates from me.

A few points were given to me:
1. Do not rush.
2. Go to the Blessed Sacrament this weekend.
3. Do not think of things that would be too stressing for me.

Hai. So hard. :-s

I hope I can drop by a church tomorrow.

2008-11-25T22:28:00.000+08:00

I had to play a talk show host during Medical Therapeutics class. We were supposed to report on acne vulgaris but instead of the usual boring reporting, we presented a role-playing. So I was supposed to be the host of "Salamat Dok" and my guest speaker was "Dr. Becky Velo".

I thought I did pretty well, considering the comments I received after the "play". And my professor/doctor's smile at me when I met her along the corridors. I surprised a few people. They said that they never thought that I could do something like that. Well, isn't "the greatest pleasure in life is doing what people think/say you can't do"?

I honestly surprised myself as well. Couldn't believe I could go through that whole thing and not feel too shy to speak onto the mic. I hope we get a good grade for that. And I hope I could trust myself to do more rewarding things in my life like that :)

2008-11-21T18:06:00.000+08:00

I feel relieved that, finally, someone affirmed how heavy this, burden that I am carrying, is.

I had a very enlightening heart-to-heart talk with our college secretary, Dr. Collao. I consulted her regarding my clerkship issues, initially, but she was so easy to talk to that I was able to tell her almost everything that I am worrying about.

I had felt like quitting med school because I realized that I have lost my drive for studying. I am not sure of the exact reasons. It could be hormonal, could be because of all the pressure, the stress, the current situation, everything and anything. But, in truth, I really still would like to become a doctor and be able to treat or cure people.

She made me realize a lot of things. That I know better and that I should be the one trying to understand everyone else around me eg. my mom and my dad. That I should cut my dad some slack for not financially supporting us enough. That I should understand why my mom acts this way towards Filipinos. That I should realize and accept my faults as contributory factors for the situation that I am currently in.

She gave me really sound advice and she suggested 3 things that I could do to fix this mess.
1. Finish third year with really good grades so that in the event that I should ask for an LOA, I could be easily granted with such.
2. Begin clerkship as soon as I can, considering I can be transferred to community service first. If not, I can ask for a short LOA and then do more difficult rounds.
3. Forgive myself, and eventually, everyone else around me.

Somehow, after that talk, I felt like a heavy rock has been lifted off of my heart and somehow, I do feel better. Another thing that makes me relieved is that I found out that the fourth shifting exams would be from Feb 9 to 13 and then the final exams would be from the 16th to the 20th. I hope that schedule won't change anymore so I won't have to worry about it again. :-s

Yesterday, I felt really bad that my mom really can't trust me to be out until just about 8PM. I'm 24 and yet I'm always worrying that my mom would get mad at me for staying out late, her definition being later than 7PM. My very close friend is leaving the country and we just wanted to hangout for a few hours and just have fun. Instead of having fun, I cried a lot that I had a mom that was acting this way towards me.

She kept calling when I already told her that we were watching a movie. She even asked for my friend's number when she already knew my friend's number and kept calling her phone as well. She even called another friend from school just to ask where I was. What will that say about our relationship? Isn't it embarrassing to let other people know that she really doesn't trust me? What else can I lose? All this despite the fact that I texted her before 6PM that I was going to be a bit late.

It's so unfair. Although I am happy that I have a mother who cares for me dearly, I'd love it if she were a little more sensitive to what she is doing to me. It's not like I was staying out later than 9PM. And then she even said that she was "kawawa". In this situation, I don't think she's the one who's "kawawa".

Hai :'c

2008-11-04T22:17:00.000+08:00

Had a heart-to-heart talk with my friend, Rose. It's amazing how similar we think about our lives and how similar OUR LIVES are. I'm really glad I found a friend in her. :)

How true is it that we live our lives for the people we love and barely for ourselves? And then, with all the pressures that we are feeling, we seek for release.

...

I still have colds. Must rest. :(

2008-11-03T19:44:00.000+08:00

I feel so blessed that my mom is here to save me from any shithole I get myself into.

If it were my dad, I doubt if he'd do anything for me.

Nonetheless, thanks mom. YOU ARE SIMPLY THE BEST. And I LOVE YOU SO MUCH.

I will never forget this day, for today, I was humbled.

2008-10-31T18:27:00.000+08:00

Ahh.. finally.. the weekend.

NOT!!

I have so much to do!! So many chapters to read, so many papers to write and I've been going to school while all my other cousins are at home. No fair! T___T

Actually, at least we got a half-day today. We could have gotten a no-class-day but those people in the admin wouldn't let us :(

So what has been happening? It's a roller-coaster of emotions for me. My hormones are kicking in. And I've done a few bad moves that are currently wreaking havoc in my life. LOL

Couple of weeks ago, I apologized to an old friend (about 7 years) for having said really harsh words to him. Why all of a sudden? Didn't want any more burden deep-seated in my chest. So forgiveness was all I wanted, right? But there he was thinking I wanted something more, just like he does. Well I didn't know that until the other day. He said something like he "misses" me and even before that he's been sending me SMS every single day asking whether I'm home, what I was doing, if I needed a ride. That's when it hit me that he was becoming clingy! And we weren't even in such a relationship that permits being clingy!

So today I set things straight with him. I told him that I offered him friendship but he wanted more than that and I made it clear that I cannot offer any more than that. All along, he thought we were going to be able to work something out and I told him that was impossible. He even said that he got "hurt again" like he was blaming me for it. It pissed me off. But it was my fault anyway. If I hadn't apologized and if I hadn't offered him friendship, he wouldn't have thought of such deeper things. Oh well.

We're going to the cemetery tomorrow to visit my amah and angkong and aku dione, too. I bought Dunkin' Donuts for amah hehe I always bring home Dunkin' Donuts when it's payday Friday. That was way back when I was working as a student assistant at my high school. I miss my amah. I wish she was here to smack me for my wrongdoings. :'(

My Ai Z talked to me on the phone a while ago. I've always considered her to be one of my moms. I have 3 moms - my real mom, amah and Ai Z. I don't really see her advising me as intruding and I really appreciate that she is trying to talk to me about rather serious things. Things that me and my mom would probably be screaming at each other for. I prefer something more civil like that :)

Decisions, decisions. Why are they so difficult to make? When is the right time to make them? How would I know if I made the right one? So many questions. :(

2008-10-18T21:39:00.000+08:00

Yikes! My post disappeared. :(

College students here in the Philippines are supposed to be on a semestral break. Unfortunately, for Med students of PLM, like myself, we don't have that T____T So sad. So the week started with a graded recitation and a quiz in the afternoon. Great, right? So much for a vacation.

To top it off, my supposed friend, MR, asked me what I was doing in their "area" during lunchtime because I was eating with our other friends. That girl is so weird lately and 4 of us think the same thing about her. Well I just hope that she's happy to be used by her current so-called friends that she's usually with nowadays.

It's my first time to start going back to school without being officially enrolled. LOL! Last Saturday, I rushed to school to get my accounting clearance (which states that I have paid for my previous semester's fees) and to get my enrollment stub (which states my next semester's fees).

My mommy usually comes to school with me to pay because my school only accepts cash or a manager's check but I didn't want to bother her this time because she's been absent from work a lot because of me. :( So I thought I'd just ask her to get an MC from the bank so I can pay for my tuition by myself. I wouldn't want to be carrying Php38K worth of cash around Manila. That would be really stupid of me. LOL!

The Internet connection kinda sucks lately. I don't know what seems to be the problem. My cousins are probably downloading stuff.

Oh, I celebrated my birthday last Sunday. I had to pay for my own cake, which was kinda dumb. I shouldn't have bothered. I'm not saying it was a waste of good money to use on food. Never be a spendthrift when it comes to food. For shopping, yes. Food, no.

Hm. I gotta run now. I have to go with my mom to pick up my brother from his basketball game. X.x

2008-09-27T21:16:00.000+08:00

Clean the house. Check.
Cook carbonara for dinner. Check.
Study. ...

Can't believe the shifting exams is just a day away. I'm not even done reviewing yet! Gawd. Looks like I'll be cramming again. Hai. I'll try to wake up early tomorrow to start studying at least for Monday's and Tuesday's exam.

Happy birthday, ma. I'm sorry you can't be happy on your birthday. Please hold on for a couple of more weeks. Just let me finish this semester and I promise to do something about my stupid life - or I'd die trying.

2008-09-26T21:01:00.000+08:00

Barely ate today. (+) loss of appetite. And drank a lot of coffee. Barely moved, as well.

I didn't go to school today. It's medicine day. Sort of like a foundation day. I thought it would be a waste of time to go. Well, I didn't really feel like doing anything but to lie down and whack myself. I tried to study. But I couldn't concentrate. I was reading but the words just seemed to wash over me.

It's my mom's birthday tomorrow. My brother was asking her about what she wanted him to buy for her. It's food, basically, but she ended up saying something like it would be better if she didn't come home tomorrow. Words like that make me feel even worse about myself. Like pushing me to the brink of hell and she doesn't even know it. Well at least she'd feel like she had nothing to do with it. That should be nice.

I told her I'd clean the house tomorrow. She was slamming things all over the place when she came home. I can't see why she wouldn't, knowing that I haven't done anything the whole day. Yea, I'd clean the house.

I've got plans ready for execution. Doesn't matter what the consequences are. Even if it's as bad as selling my soul to the underworld. I'll be ready after my finals week so that's 2 weeks from now. I can do this. I've done bad things in my life. This could be the worst but wth, right? If it would put things back to normal and make my family happy, then it shouldn't be the worst.

I'm standing on the bridge
I'm waiting in the dark
I thought that you'd be here by now
There's nothing but the rain
No footsteps on the ground
I'm listening but there's no sound
Isn't anyone tryin’ to find me?
Won't somebody come take me home?
It's a damn cold night
Trying to figure out this life
Won't you take me by the hand
Take me somewhere new

2008-09-25T21:08:00.000+08:00

Yay! New blog. :D How do you like the layout? It has a feel-good feel to it, doesn't it? It's probably temporary, probably permanent. Who knows, right? Thanks to DancingSheep for this pretty layout. :)

Now, on to a much-awaited update.

I ruined my life. Everything I've planned and dreamed of doing or becoming vanished because of my stupidity. Yes, I blame every little detail on me. I should have known better. I am not sure what went wrong but apparently, something DID. Well, this is my own doing and I should suffer a sorry fate from here on. I just feel sorry for my family, that they have to go through this with me when they aren't even a part of it. :(

Some relatives were home for a few days last week and I am so glad that I did not have to take any confrontations from them. My godmom even sent me SMS when she was back at her country - words of encouragement, I suppose - made me cry really hard.

The problem is that people don't really know how bad I feel. Sure I crack a joke or smile sometimes but that's just because I don't want to look depressed. But I AM depressed. I cry, too. I just don't want anybody to see.

If I could just change things or turn back time or something.. If it wasn't a crime to kill, I would have killed myself. Several times I've entertained suicide, if only it wasn't a sin.

This sucks.. :(