I feel relieved that, finally, someone affirmed how heavy this, burden that I am carrying, is.

I had a very enlightening heart-to-heart talk with our college secretary, Dr. Collao. I consulted her regarding my clerkship issues, initially, but she was so easy to talk to that I was able to tell her almost everything that I am worrying about.

I had felt like quitting med school because I realized that I have lost my drive for studying. I am not sure of the exact reasons. It could be hormonal, could be because of all the pressure, the stress, the current situation, everything and anything. But, in truth, I really still would like to become a doctor and be able to treat or cure people.

She made me realize a lot of things. That I know better and that I should be the one trying to understand everyone else around me eg. my mom and my dad. That I should cut my dad some slack for not financially supporting us enough. That I should understand why my mom acts this way towards Filipinos. That I should realize and accept my faults as contributory factors for the situation that I am currently in.

She gave me really sound advice and she suggested 3 things that I could do to fix this mess.
1. Finish third year with really good grades so that in the event that I should ask for an LOA, I could be easily granted with such.
2. Begin clerkship as soon as I can, considering I can be transferred to community service first. If not, I can ask for a short LOA and then do more difficult rounds.
3. Forgive myself, and eventually, everyone else around me.

Somehow, after that talk, I felt like a heavy rock has been lifted off of my heart and somehow, I do feel better. Another thing that makes me relieved is that I found out that the fourth shifting exams would be from Feb 9 to 13 and then the final exams would be from the 16th to the 20th. I hope that schedule won't change anymore so I won't have to worry about it again. :-s

Yesterday, I felt really bad that my mom really can't trust me to be out until just about 8PM. I'm 24 and yet I'm always worrying that my mom would get mad at me for staying out late, her definition being later than 7PM. My very close friend is leaving the country and we just wanted to hangout for a few hours and just have fun. Instead of having fun, I cried a lot that I had a mom that was acting this way towards me.

She kept calling when I already told her that we were watching a movie. She even asked for my friend's number when she already knew my friend's number and kept calling her phone as well. She even called another friend from school just to ask where I was. What will that say about our relationship? Isn't it embarrassing to let other people know that she really doesn't trust me? What else can I lose? All this despite the fact that I texted her before 6PM that I was going to be a bit late.

It's so unfair. Although I am happy that I have a mother who cares for me dearly, I'd love it if she were a little more sensitive to what she is doing to me. It's not like I was staying out later than 9PM. And then she even said that she was "kawawa". In this situation, I don't think she's the one who's "kawawa".

Hai :'c